It is 4:34 am, I’ve got to wake up at 7:27 am, and there is a mosquito in my room.
I turned out the light, rolled over in bed, wondered why I was scratching, and heard the distinctive “ZZzzzzzZZzzz” as it flew past my ear. My heart thumped and then sped up at the sound.
*sigh*
Unfortunately for me, this one’s a fast and smart one, so this will take a while to kill. It’s been in the house for a few days, and this is the hour I’d usually hear my dad slapping his blankets about.
I’ve tried to kill it when I see it in the bathroom — it’s too fast and my eyes can’t track it.
And now it’s in my room. I tried to kill it once, and it’s since disappeared. It’ll still be hungry though, it usually bites me in four or five places when I get home and sit on the kitchen counter eating a snack, so it’s got three more bites to go.
If I sleep now, I’ll just scratch through the night. Might as well kill the damn thing. Am using my legs as bait and typing to keep awake and still enough.
But I can’t stay up all night, with a plan to go out with Jarrod tomorrow. I’ll already be grumpy tired as it is, and if I stay up even longer it’ll be worse.
4:42 am. I’ll give it until 5 am and then knock out. Hopefully then I’d be too tired to wake up at the buzz.
Am I at Day 18 of the Enneagram Seven book? I think so.
(4:44 am)
What in your life feels unknown right now?
Universe, you got to be kidding me, right? Because it’s everything.
I’m turning away from real estate and ghost writing to become a channeller. I have no mentor, no guide, no one who’s done this before me to lay a path (some days I’m thankful for that).
Jarrod and I are talking about moving. Not just moving, migrating.
Marriage is on the horizon, and I don’t have any idea if I’m prepared or ready or if I still believe in a fantasy (highly likely) and will be unhappy with reality.
- work: 5/5 (uncertain)
- health: 1/5 (certain)
- social: 3/5
- spiritual: 1/5
Where might [Divinity] be in that invitation to step into the unknown?
The whole reason I’m becoming a channel is because of Divinity and what I believe.
Jarrod wasn’t something I did, he’s divinely sent.
And moving…? I’ve known I’m not a Singapore kid, that I would move. And Australia is spiritually wonderful. Malaysia is not as bad or terrifying as I make it out to be…
I know better — I’ve got my spiritual team with me, and I can actually communicate with them. I’ve got the trust and I’ve been in chaos for many years now, so it’s not like I’m going from stability to uncertainty all at once.
In fact, with Jarrod around, I’m certain about one thing for sure. And that’s one thing more than I had in the past.
Divinity’s in everything, I don’t need to worry or question or fear that.
What part of you as a Seven is excited and scared?
They’re both, I know, at the same time. The same physical sensations, two different interpretations in the brain.
I’m scared and excited about what being a channel could bring into my life. Of the speaking and stage and social opportunities to help people feel that life is sacred and safe. It’s a big task, a big ask, a big dream.
(5 am)
There’s so much that I will need to let go, to bring up, to face, to dissolve, to put out there. There’s work to be done and even more healing to go through. There’s much I will learn and draw from.
I’m scared and excited to know what marriage will be.
(I hear dad slamming outside. Maybe the skeeter flew out…)
I’m scared because old programming tells me marriages will fail. I’m rebellious in thinking ours will not. I’m excited to see what ours really is and can be, and what we learn.
I’m scared and excited about migrating because I’ll be alone. For large portions of time. And that I’ll have to find my own ways to light up my own life, and hold myself even when I’m breaking down. Not because Jarrod’s a terrible partner — he’s gonna be there — but because I’ll be an adult and and adult on my own for the first time. I’ll be sick on my own and in period pain on my own and bored on my own and lonely and I’ll have to come up with new ways of self-soothing because walking outside alone at 2 am is not going to be safe, and Jarrod would probably drag himself out with me.
I’m scared that everything I’ve learned is not enough and we’ll fight and
Okay that was all scared, and no excited. And a whole movie that is old programming and not at all based on my reality.
babygirl i know you’re scared, and it’s okay to be scared, because new things are scary. what are you excited about?
I’m excited to go find out who I am when I’m alone, to explore places, to get a chance to settle into a place and light my candles finally. To decorate a space. To unlearn the things my parents taught me. To have a table and chair and a place to work so I don’t have to keep lugging a massive bag of tech around every single day.
I’m excited to cook terrible food until I make good food. To learn what marriage is when it’s two people who want to commit and stay in touch and try and learn and listen and are smart and kind.
To figure out that I can handle being alone. That maybe I can even thrive. That I can fall sick and be in pain and it’s not the end of the world. That I’ll have food and meds and rest and I’ll be okay.
That I can choose this, and not feel like I’m being yanked away.
(5:23 am, i got a skeeter dead in my hand. it’s smaller and there’s less blood than I expected though…
my phone also lit up gently. 2 hours until my alarm goes off and i have to wake up.)
To end, (it was getting there anyway) I thought I’d have to go be an adult on my own, alone.
But Jarrod’s here. I won’t be alone.
🩷🌧️✨
Image of a camera, daisies, a compass, a heart-shaped stone and
a journal covered in visa stamps on a map by u_smivjz743f from Pixabay.
