Ellooo from Denver, Colorado, USA! It is 1:48 am, and Jarrod and I are at the dining table, because we’ve been travelling for about 24 hours to the other side of the planet and we’re all screwed up on time and hunger.
At a friend’s house, because we’re here to join Suzanne Stabile’s Enneagram AND Trauma workshop, and friends are going too.
Eating very vinegary Lay’s chips… bleagh…
Friends — Kristie and Mara — have left us the Forty Days enneagram book series, so I guess Day 19 can happen, as much as I was planning on running away from it…
Day 19: Patience and suffering
Oh why do I do this to myself?? (amused hand wringing)
There’s a bit about pain in here, and it reminds me of a video I did when I went visiting my Goddesses — pain just is, they said, no good or bad. It just is. I only think it’s terrible because I think it’s bad.
Here, Gideon writes, “[i]f I can truly consent to the discomfort, I can save myself a bit of suffering”, quoting the bible with “Peter says patience in our suffering makes us strong, firm, and steadfast.”
How do you react when your patience is tested?
Depends.
If you’re talking about patience that is waiting in line, I distract myself. If there are things to look at and be amazed by, I’ll do that. If I’m tired and I just want my McDonald’s, I’ll be on my phone, or singing to whatever is on the radio.
If you’re talking about patience as in someone is being irritable… anything from ignoring to squint-glaring to saying something to hitting.
What are you waiting for in your life right now?
I know I should just answer the question, my mind wants to say “but I’m not waiting on anything, because it’s all in my control”.
Is that what I’m supposed to answer?
I choose the work I do, the people I contact… If I want something I should work for it. Because I can’t exactly say “I’m waiting for my home to happen.”
I’m… waiting to get married? (But that’s kinda on me, I’m the one who wants time.) I’m waiting to realise I am gonna have to take control of my life, and I’m quite ready, even when I think I’m not, because I’m gonna learn?
This all doesn’t look right, because the next question is
What would it look like to consent to waiting for that thing?
I’m waiting… to get tired enough to go to bed. for the life I’ll live when Jarrod and I have our home, and when we are married. for the way to get clearer, even if just for a while, as I work.
I know that these things are in their own time. And in the meanwhile I still do what I am supposed to do, without carrying that extra burden of expectation and anticipation and the drop in emotions when things aren’t fulfilled (fast enough) and then harbouring anger and resentment and disappointment and wanting to stop wanting the thing in the first place.
I am really good at convincing myself out of things. Perhaps consenting to wait is the solution. I can want things and also accept not having them now, which means I can do things to get myself there.
Okay I’m getting zoned out.
time to sleep
🩷🌧️✨
Image of a view out an airplane window, the wing against clouds, by Foundry Co from Pixabay.
