Jarrod and I are planning on moving in together. It’s happening in a month or so, and while we figure out what we’ll need and what to do, I’ve been watching my parents.
They’ve been married for over four decades, and by way of examples (both good and bad), I’ve been observing what’s important in a relationship.
Communicate
People bandy this word around so often when they’re asked for relationship advice. I agree with the sentiment, and I also want to dive a little deeper.
“Communication” is a big word, but what does it look like on the day-to-day, moment to moment?
Tell each other what you’re doing, what you’re thinking. When you live together, you affect each other’s environment. Your silent “I just need to put this here for later” can sound like “this is trash I forgot to throw out” to your partner. You going out for your day without letting the other person know can feel like you not including the other person in your life.
We tell ourselves stories — they help us make sense of the world, and keep tabs on our identity — and when you’re with someone else, your internal story needs to be told, said aloud and externalised, so that the person you’re with is on the same page.
That means the little things like “hey I wanna put this here for later”, the average-sized things like “hey I’m getting overwhelmed with how much stuff is laid out instead of kept away”, and the big things like “Can we have a moment? I’m feeling unheard and unappreciated, can we have some time together?” need to be said.
Communication isn’t just talking, it’s a deep awareness, understanding and acknowledgement of your own internal world, and sharing it in a way that allows two internal worlds to come together externally, creating a shared reality.
Assume you don’t understand… yet.
When Jarrod met me, he told me to ask questions. I’m still learning how and what to ask, because I came from a “don’t ask, to ask is to challenge, to ask is to risk the emotional imbalance of being met with silence” backstory.
Seeing my parents, and their communication styles, I’m starting to understand that sometimes, all you need is a question. Once you assume that there is a logic you don’t yet understand, a question (or a few) clears up the confusion, the hurt, and sometimes, the anger.
Instead of lashing out and just making everything worse, ask “what did you mean by that?” And ask to actually find out, not to issue a warning or a challenge.
It’s hard to do when you’re hurting or angry, but sometimes it’s the story in your mind that’s causing the hurt, not what’s happening.
Sometimes the person you’re with just forgot, or was distracted. Sometimes they were playful and it came off badly. A lot of times, there is no ill intent, just a logic that didn’t work well for the moment.
Assuming you don’t understand opens the possibility of figuring things out together, which is infinitely better than turning a home into a war zone.
Remember that you’re two different people.
There’s no such thing as a magical, instant, smooth “happily ever after”. You’re two different people with opinions, ideas, thoughts, feelings, backstories, lessons, triggers, fears…
Your partner won’t think, act, feel they way you do. They won’t have the same assumptions and ideas, the same processes and conclusions.
Life together is now more complex, and so much more space is needed to hold it — emotional and mental space, not just physical.
Give each other space. Be each other’s partners, not parents. You’re both choosing to be together, whatever or whenever your promises made, and that choice is made every single day.
With so much history and so many years to grow, keep looking at the person you’re with like they’re still a mystery, and someone you’re just learning to love, because you are.
You will have times together, times apart, different friends, hobbies, interests, build a life and social circle conjoined, and be both a unit and two individual worlds at the same time.
That separation is both part of the magic that brings you together, and the reason for all the issues. It’s both or neither, because if you wanted everything your way, you’d be happier single.
Remember that you’re individuals, both adults and children simultaneously, trying to love and figure it out. Leaving that space in between allows for the sparks of connection and the calm for trouble to blow through.
Loving life together.
Relationships are wild. On top of growing up, figuring life, purpose, business, health, traumas, interests, friends, values, money, we choose somebody to spend the rest of our life with, building a home, a life, a joined future…
And in doing so we experience the conflict and connection of our upbringing, lessons, choices.
I’m starting to see a relationship as a conscious noticing of the space between us. How we handle that space decides whether a relationship lives, thrives or dies.
A healthy space is made up of bridges and the space left uncrossed.
The bridges signal our connection. Too few, and we’re left as strangers and acquaintences. Too many, and we risk falling into predictability and feeling like we’re missing something, something we had and lost.
That’s where the space left uncrossed becomes important, because it holds the potential for mystery, curiosity, wonder, maybe even awe, the elements that make a relationship feel fresh and new. (If this sounds familiar, you’ve heard of Esther Perel too.)
This doesn’t mean we should hold back, or have secrets. This does mean that we should, as individuals, have our own life, passions, interests. This means we should grow. We don’t — we shouldn’t — have to live every second of our lives together, but live our separate lives, and then come back to share our experiences.
Being able to see your partner in new light, noticing how amazing they are, feeling surprised by them… this doesn’t happen when you’re both tired, or living average mediocre days. This happens when one (or both) of you is lost in the source of your joy, lit and sparkling with play, doing what fills your soul.
You don’t have to join them in every experience. Sometimes sitting across the space, watching them love life, is enough to fall in love all over again. (Think about it, you probably fell in love, in the beginning, with the life they had in them. Their laugh, their joy, their kindness, their presence.)
We manage conflict by building bridges of connection, and continue to fall in love by witnessing their life as they sparkle.
Two brilliant people choosing to live their lives together.
✒️✨🧭
Image of a stone stepping bridge across a river,
fluffy silver grass growing on the land on the other side
by dae jeung kim from Pixabay.
