I didn’t understand when people said “you have to fight for love”. Never liked the idea of fighting, and I didn’t know what we were fighting.
Then I met Jarrod, and early on in the conversation stage, we hit a bit of turbulence.
I felt myself wanting to shut down, and end the conversation.
I felt the inclination, and decided to go against it.
So I reached out, asked if he wanted a call (we were just texting then). He said yes. I listened to him explain why he was unhappy, I talked about what I meant, and we moved ourselves into smoother flow.
Later, he mentioned in a letter that he noticed that I fought for us.
I didn’t realise it then. But I had fought for love.
Somehow it’s only coming to my attention now that…
The fight isn’t with other people, or circumstances, or anything/one external. The fight is within.
I’m fighting my inclinations, my emotions, my unbridled unhelpful thoughts. I’m fighting my trauma-hurt instincts, the misguided protective parts, the fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses.
I’m working against every negative word said to me, every limiting belief, every hurt, anxious, fearful state.
To love is to know vulnerability.
To lie down, heart open,
trusting, and to wait.
To see if someone comes
to help you plant flowers
or to pluck the leaves and
call it growth,
use your petals
for their tea
as they self-soothe and
find entertainment
with your labour.
Them someone comes along,
who gathers and lifts you,
holds you close,
and cradles you,
so gently,
that your heart starts to wonder
whether it dares send up more...
flowers.
And when each petal,
each leaf, each root,
then the whole garden,
gets tended to lovingly...
flowers.
Then I thought about work and how I’ve got to fight myself for it too.
There’s a balance, of course. I know that I need rest and recovery and inspiration and resources. Those are non-negotiables, and to fight these would just invite more sickness in the future.
But stress, a lack of motivation, general inertia, boredom, wondering if I am good enough — these things I have to fight with, and win.
I think back to the PropNex bootcamps when we had to fight for our loved ones or pull “ourselves” up from some deep dark hole… I went through days of that and got nothing out of it apart from a sense of feeling used and abused, shamed and blamed. (It was just me, a lot of people came out of it feeling inspired and motivated, and went on to do very well.)
I just needed it to be clearer. Fight… who? what? when? why?
I’m fighting me. The part of me that shows up trying to stop me from my goals and wants. The part that says “not enough” or “too much” and is afraid or anxious, that shows up when things aren’t easy. (It doesn’t have to be in hard times, sometimes it’s just times when it’s not so easy.)
Why? Because I want things. I want a relationship that is open and honest. I want to show up for it. Like, I’m tired right now, and I was grumpy, but later I’ll give Jarrod a massage, because I know what it’s like to have your body hurt and ache from inflammation and I know a massage makes the body a little more comfortable, so I want to later.
I want to be a writer, blogger, content creator. And it’s hard showing up for my clients. But I want to. And I will fight myself for it. To sit down and do the work and get things out and moving.
Even in real estate, with clients who make me want to roll my eyes or reach across the table to slap them or who make me want to cry in frustration with their ego and idiocy… it’s not them I’m fighting with. It’s me.
I want to be someone who … hmm 🙂
I already know who I am, who I want to be, what I want, and what I both want and need to do.
I need to listen and align better.
💖
Image of sunglasses, a flower, a mug (of tea?) by Ylanite Koppens from Pixabay.
