It is 3:30 am and I should have my head on the pillow but I scrolled social media for too long (I forgot to set a 27-minute timer) after I posted a new TikTok video and
I know that if I tried to sleep, the buzz in my brain from all the sped-up videos and the quick scrolling would make for very bad sleep and bad dreams, so I’m here instead.
This was what I wanted to do initially anyway. Instead of a TikTok video (but I am glad I made that video still).
So I’m here. Breathe.
This is where it all comes out, my space to be and to breathe and to find my home within me.
So breathe. Slowly.
I know I will get hungry. Again. And that’s okay. I did go to the store earlier and, again, convinced myself I didn’t want/need cookies…
One problem at a time, honeygirl.
Thank you for being who you are.
I wrote a little bit of this in my journal. Thank you/me for being the person who will choose Jarrod.
Thank me for growing and choosing to go out and explore and learn. Thank me for getting myself to the point where I want to choose Jarrod.
Thank me for getting to this present moment and having it be so different, and so much better, than what I had going on years ago.
I am grateful and calm and setting this into permanent memory records because I am so proud of you. You did well, babygirl. With all of the road that we had, getting here, we got here.
We can only control who we are and what we do. I’m celebrating becoming the person I am today, making the choices I’m making today, and I’m specifically talking about relationships (and not the fact that it’s 3:44 am) because relationships were the area I was most f**ked. And today I can say, without hesitation or need to qualify, that I’m doing well.
Yes, it’s because Jarrod is who he is (thank Goddess). It’s also because I am who I am. Jarrod could have appeared earlier and I would not have been here, I would not have been ready.
(Which becomes a “divine timing” message and I squint, psychically, at my team.)
Today is/was our 20th month-versary.
We didn’t even plan to spend it together, it’s actually my Hot Chocolate Thursday, but he ended work and I was just missing him, so we met for dinner, and took a walk with ice-cream.
Jarrod was exhausted, and he was worried about being not very good company. I was happy to see him, and was trying very hard not to dump all the stories I’d collected on him all at once.
We’d already written each other letters and passed them to each other the day before (ereyesterday), so there was no stress for today to do anything special.
It was still a good date. Good noms and a nice evening walk and ice-cream and we laughed silly when we had to part, so it was nice.
I had a thought about myself during the walk…
“I don’t ask for much from others, I’m happy with a walk and ice cream, I’m happy we got to spend time together.
“All I needed to ask was for the person I’m in love with to be available. And I didn’t (in the past). And that’s basic.
“It’s standards.
“Maybe I should ask for more from myself.”
(4:02 am)
Notice that I’m not talking about what I should ask more from Jarrod. I’m talking about what I should ask more of from myself.
I set the standard, I made the decision, that I was done with the type of men and relationships I had been having.
Can I also set the standard, and make the decision, that I’m done with the way my life has been, and move to something better?
Can I want, and choose, better health, fitness, and style?
Can I want, and choose, success in business and finances?
Can I want, and choose, a life that’s full and loving and satisfying?
I do not want and do not need my life to fall to pieces again to learn these lessons. I do not want to be made so weak again.
I used to think my life was in terrible state because I made abysmal relationship decisions, and that black hole dragged everything in. Now my relationship brings life like the Sun to the Earth, and I’m looking around surprised, wondering why everything else didn’t magically get better overnight.
You can’t spend two decades making terrible decisions and expect things to immediately get better Rain.
(takes off my glasses and presses my hand to my face…)
I learned everything I could about relationships for months, before Jarrod even appeared. And I’m still learning about healthy and supportive and loving relationships today.
I haven’t spent months learning about business, or finance, or health, or style (okay that last one I did the most work with, but I’m still not there yet).
I haven’t actively practised either, unlike being in a real relationship.
My traipse (confession: i used a thesaurus. my mind was stuck on detour) through real estate didn’t teach me business or finance because i wasn’t paying attention. (I did, perhaps, pick up some things about sales…)
Learning happens when things are fun but my playtime now seems to me like a clown dancing to taunt, not to entice creative unguarded unfiltered expression.
(Also, in response to the previous post, moping is the right spelling.)
(4:29 am. I am starting to lean towards sleep when I close my eyes for too long now. Good.)
So long as I don’t make real my work with Witchy Therapy, the book projects, business, finances, my health and fitness, and style, none of it will work. Two decades do not short recoveries support.
But, how?
One bite at a time, as a crone on TikTok said, is how you eat an elephant.
The same way I chose to still have Hot Chocolate Thursday, and found jumpsuits in two shops, both under $80 (one on sale at $30), letting desire and exploration lead action and creating results…
I take a small part of my day,
answer my desire to explore and do things, and
create results that I either like or learn from.
I like doing things, that part I know. I am more satisfied when I have done or created something. And given an active, conscious choice, I will choose to do things and get them done.
(like this blog. every single time.
it’s a trail of wins i leave behind.)
So how about I stop worrying, and start finding ways to remind myself to be conscious?
Funny. Life is only full when you choose to be alive…
I can see the clown dancing in mock shock, realisation, and (wink, wink) despair.
(4:42 am)
I need sleep. Can I leave this to be tomorrow-me’s problem? Today-me will do the best thing I can and put my head on the pillow.
one last thing, a gentle desire reminder
I can wait for waves to pass. I was all about quad skates, and I think it’s passing.
I was all about jumpsuits, but I think I can wait. Especially if we’re not staying in Singapore. Who knows it I get to continue West Coast Swing? Or compete?
I just wanted to make a note that I found Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series in Kinokuniya earlier. tumblr wisdom says the first book you see is the one the universe wants you to start with. I saw The Color of Magic, the very first published book. I guess I can start there.
Enough, now.
🩷🌧️✨
Image of a red ball (a clown nose?), and party confetti on the floor by NoName_13 from Pixabay.
