I read Day 15 of Forty Days On Being A Seven with a bemused confusion. “Learning to be celebrated” was the title of the day, and Gideon took us along a birthday experience. I wondered where we were going.
Then he got to the end, and wrote “I realized I didn’t feel I was worthy of goodness or kindness”. Ah.
When I got to the questions, I got these kickers…
“Do you feel like you are worthy of love and celebration?”
*deep breath…* There’s no escaping feelings huh?
Yes… and no. I’m learning.
I do feel worthy of love. Love from me to myself. And celebration… yes, I’m starting to learn to celebrate what I do.
Do I feel worthy of love from outside me? Haaa…
I know I’m loveable, and it still surprises me that Jarrod loves me. It’s taking a while for me to come to terms with how my mom are I are still holding on to a relationship now that I’m out of the house (I guess that’s familial love?). Jarrod’s mum cooks food for me and took me to the clinic when I felt ill, that’s love too.
I’m surrounded by love and people who love me.
Reminds me of a thing going around on social media — you are loved more than you’ll ever know.
Do I feel worthy of it? I’m starting to learn that it’s a yes. I’m starting to accept that there’s so much love and abundance and kindness just given freely, there for you just because you exist.
It’s a little harder wrapping my brain around love and relationships not being transactional, that you don’t have to do something to be loved. As Gideon put it, “I needed to earn any goodness that came my way.”
Relationships are transactional. That is true, and also not the whole story. Many relationships are transactional in the sense that there are mutual promises and gains; to be faithful, loyal, want the best for each other.
There’s the concept that relationships are empty jars, that we fill with acts of love, friendship, service, and sometimes make withdrawals from when we fight or misunderstand each other, or take each other for granted, and there is no repair.
Yet love and kindness just exists, overflowing and freely given. And if I can love something like flowers and clouds, and love the people I love, then why not believe that the same love exists for me?
Why do I need to believe that the little bit of me that’s dark and dirt-covered and unseen and unwanted, scared and afraid and vulnerable, doesn’t get the warmth and the light?
Why do I need to believe that I need to be at 100% to qualify? 110%?
I just need to be here.
It’s a bonus if I decide to give a damn and get good at something.
I’m here. That’s all I need to be worth love and celebration. And all of me, not just the parts that feel like they’ve earned it.
“How does it make you feel to hear that God wants you to know love that surpasses knowledge?”
This needs a bit of context.
Gideon wrote, “There’s a part of me that doesn’t even fully believe I’m worth being celebrated on my birthday. I wonder if that’s what Paul meant when he talked about ‘this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God’ (Ephesians 3:19).”
Translating it into my worldview… how does it feel to hear that Divinity wants me to know love, love that surpasses my own understanding?
Thing is… I’ve been thinking about love. (mental pin that the question is asking how I feel, just gimme a second.)
My therapist asked, in the previous session, how I show myself self-love. (Therapy is coming up in two days and I know she has notes to remind herself of this question.)
There’s the usual, easy list: food, shower, sleep, nice things, soft things.
There’s also love in the sense that you need to do things to be better, the way parents enforce discipline to help their childen in the long run.
Now that I’m older I’ve become, as I learned from Liz Gilbert, my own parent, taking over my own care, joy, whims, choosing my partner in life (that’s what Liz wrote in… Committed? Eat, Pray, Love?) and now, the work that I do.
Parents used to be in charge of school, getting us there, supporting our growth and learning, setting and upholding standards, creating consequences of both reward and punishment…
Now I’m in charge of my own work, getting me here, supporting my growth and learning, setting and upholding my own standards, creating and choosing my own consquences.
We learn to parent ourselves and I just realised this bit. Welcome to self-parenthood babygirl.
Coming back to God and Divinity and love…
I know that the context in this case is a loving God. A God who loves His children. A God who wants you to experience what He has created. I also know this same God has rules. Like any parent.
Like knowing that relationships are both transactional and also beyond that and freely given.
It “surpasses knowledge”, is beyond comprehension when we don’t understand that we are worthy of a love so unconditional.
I don’t have a problem with love unconditionally given. I have a problem with discipline that comes with love.
How do I feel that Divinity wants me to know love that is beyond what I can understand?
ahhh… They’ve already told me they’re waiting for me to give a damn.
I understand love in indulgence, in ease, in forgiveness. It’s the love that makes you want to get up and do something that I’m learning.
And for that I am grateful, mildy resentful, a tiny bit rebellious, and ultimately I know submitting will bring peace.
Who is someone in your life that can show you this love?
When I first read this line, back in the book, I thought of Jarrod. Someone who loves me through my ups and downs, being playful and rebellious and loving and mean.
He’s learned, with all his understanding of people and the Ennneagram, how to give me very big boundaries, so that I can run wild while still being contained.
Now after writing this post, I’m thinking I’m supposed to show myself the love that I need.
Jarrod has been very clear: as my boyfriend (he was my boyfriend, or were we just dating then? he wasn’t my fiancé yet), his job was to love me, not coach me.
He’s kept his word, which means I’ve got to be aware enough, and love myself the way I need it, to kick myself when I need it.
Love is a many complicated thing.
💖
Image of whipped egg whites in a mixer by Stefan Schweihofer from Pixabay.
I searched “whip” and this came up. 😉
