I opened the shelf above the sink, wanting to place a washed cup upside down to dry, and made a mental note to throw away the cups that no longer suited me.
The thought floated up after Jarrod and I decided to throw away my old Pandora things, mostly gifted from my past, since he’d bought me new charms and a bracelet today.
I recall wanting to buy mugs and glasses this year: a pink mug with a blue bird from Starbucks, a blue mug with snowflakes and sparkles from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and a set of stemless wine glasses that were decorated with Christmas trees and wishes, in a shop that sold figurines and home decor.
Each time, I’d pause, and think. “I don’t have space for these cups. I can’t buy them.” And then, unwillingly, I’d put them back, promising myself that I would go nuts and buy any and every cup or mug or glass that brought me joy when we had our own space.
Today, after Jarrod casually tossed out the old boxes, I looked at the shelf of cups and thought, “These things meant something to me once. But I don’t have to keep them. I don’t like the stories they tell me, or the memories they evoke. And they’re holding me back from the things I want, that are new.”
And I realised that change means letting things go. Things that no longer match who I am and who I want to be.
It’s not change that’s forced or sacrificial, though sometimes that’s needed. Most times, I’ve already changed, and the outside just needs to match what’s within.
As much as I would love to have things that I use and keep forever, my environment needs to change with me. Otherwise I’m stuck holding on to things of my past that hold me back and weigh me down.
I had things were right once upon a time. Good. Now let’s have things that are good for the present moment too.
While it is a waste to just chuck out perfectly good Pandora charms and bracelets, as well as cups and mugs that are completely intact, I don’t want to bother going through the hassle of selling, and holding on to things longer than they should be in my life.
Sometimes a good chuck is what’s needed. Perfect for the moment, the memories, the meanings.
(I’m falling asleep. edit later)
I’m also going to start letting go of my clothes. Jarrod got me a watch — I’d been wanting to replace my Fitbit for a while — and now I’m wearing a rectangular steel analog Casio, a simple watch that looks so elegant and grown up. (“adult” sounds wrong and “mature” sounds old. Hang on, “grown up” has a hypen?? grown-up??)
Next to my silver engagement ring (it’s moissanite and I love that it’s not a value-dropping diamond, for those judgy people. it sparkles *better* and has fewer breaking points. moissanite 3 diamond 0) and my previous steel Fossil band as well as my current Pandora bangle, my wrists and hands look like a woman’s, no longer a child’s.
(I will mention here that I was actually seriously considering a rainbow-banded Flik Flak watch prior to this purchase. The difference is HUGE.)
Alongside my TWSBI Eco demonstrator fountain pen (it’s transparent and you can see the ink inside), I’m starting to view some of my things as… toys. Starter purchases. I loved my Pilot Kakuno, it was my first clear fountain pen. It’s still an amazing pen, but it looks like a plaything now. I reach for it and wonder why it’s so small.
I look at my dresses, my wardrobe (well, my “wardrobe” is currently a luggage or two, a few shelves and a temporary tent-like contraption from IKEA), and I see the clothes as… good tries. I bought $10 dresses to experiment, and now that I love it and have begun buying properly designed and sewn pieces, these cheap dresses no longer pass muster.
They were good for the time I was in, and I’m grateful. Now I’m looking for a certain… gravitas. (Who am I???)
I’m typing all this while a white palm-sized goose plushie is sitting by my pillow, looking at me. And it works because it’s fulfilling its purpose. It’s meant to be a soft toy, so it has its value.
With my $10 dresses, they worked when all I wanted was to experiment with a new style. Cheap, forgiving, trial runs. Now that I’m going in, I see the mismatched cloth, the rushed stitching, the ill-fitting nonchalance. And I can’t wait to let them go. They were fun and flirty (yay!) but now I cannot stand to have such a lack of quality on my body. The clothes aren’t meant for me any longer.
(I’m falling asleep here too. bye)
Image of three disposable coffee cups by Bruno from Pixabay.
