I’m not supposed to be up and typing in my blog, but the last few nights I’ve gone to bed, only to toss around with ideas until 3 am, so I might as well be here. Hi.
Tomorrow Jarrod and I are popping into Malaysia for a little rest and relaxation. That means an early wake-up, and I will sleep soon.
For now, I spotted Forty Days On Being A Seven on my shelf, and I thought it was time to come back to it.
“Day 16: Opening My Heart”
(dammit)
Why do I do this to myself? *laughcries*
Gideon writes,
“[Like his french bulldog,] Sevens also tend to like everyone. My theory is we’re projecting our need to be liked onto them. Hopefully we’ll get some likes back.”
…
If you’ve heard of Vanessa Van Edwards, you might have also heard her talk about a study about the popular kids. The difference between popular kids and the others was that the popular kids had the longest list of people they liked.
The first time I heard about that study, I thought it was brilliant. Right up there with “to be interesting, just be interested in other people”, also another study/experience Vanessa talked about.
Gideon goes on to tell a story of how he met a complete stranger, had dinner, went to a concert (he met the stranger to buy their extra ticket), and hung out the rest of the night together.
“My heart was wide open, with the boundaries of a French bulldog… I wasn’t saying the appropriate noes…”
Ohhh how I know the feeling. Soooo much of my life was because of a lack of boundaries — proper ones, ones that I had given thought to and decided on.
It’s curious synchronicity that the wish I am responsible for, this year, because I did the 13 Magical Nights, is “I let go of what isn’t mine, doesn’t serve me, isn’t for me.”
Saying “no” is not something that comes easy when you want to be liked by everybody and therefore people-please. (And, sometimes, I genuinely like a lot of people and want to give them so many outs because people make mistakes and are human…)
Gideon finishes with,
“Because of the hurt I’ve experienced as a result of bad boundaries, my heart has slowly closed…
My work as a Seven now is to reopen that heart, but with boundaries.”
He also references a King Solomon, “the Seven of all Sevens”, saying “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.
Then, Gideon asks,
What does it look like to live an appropriately open-hearted life?
*my mouth curls downward as I mean mug this line…* 🙂
Brené Brown writes about a “whole-hearted life”. That’s easier than an “appropriately open-hearted” one…
Whaddaya mean I gotta love people but not love all people?? I have to choose? Decide? Make lists of what they’ve done and what I feel like after and remember all of it, and judge them by standards that I’ve decided and then actively choose whether to keep them in my life or kick them out??
That’s so much thought and energy!!
Yeah… that’s probably what I needed to be doing all this time…
An appropriately open-hearted life means I’m not trying to be liked by everyone — I’m trying to like myself. The way that I am aligned with what I feel and what’s important to me and what I want. And not feel or think one way and then act or go in another, in tiny self-betrayals because I want to keep the peace or pleasantry.
In smaller steps, to note the times I did the opposite of what I’m thinking/feeling, and to come up with what I would rather say or do otherwise.
I might not know what to do in every situation, so falling back on people-pleasing will happen — I will not beat myself up for it, it’s just data to learn from — and I will be better prepared next time.
I’d also need to connect the neurons between what I feel, think and do a little bit better. Right now they go though the “this is what they want me to do so I’ll do it” highway. Catch those moments, re-route. Hold space and take a breath, a moment, and even if I’ve said something, it doesn’t mean I have to hold that decision all the way through. I can say, “no, that doesn’t align. here’s what I’d prefer instead.”
See, the thing is, I know what I prefer. I know what’s right, and wrong. What feels good and what doesn’t. What I’m thinking. I just built a highway above it all to go in person-in-my-vicinity’s direction.
If it takes going slowly on my own paths, and losing the people I’m with, those are the right choices to make. My path is right for me, even if it’s slow and meanderng, because these are my flowers by the side of the way. And if I lose the people beside me, they never wanted me for me anyway. They wanted more of them.
My heart was once closed. I know what that felt like. It didn’t matter if I lived, and I could give anything because nothing mattered. I don’t want that ever again.
I’ve got my light, my spark, my own luminous, precious essence. I’m not giving that to just anybody, much less everybody.
I’ve got my life and I want to live.
💖
I am yawning. 1:39 am. Maybe I will get to sleep easily…
Image of a path through the trees and flowers by Ben Kerckx from Pixabay.
