I cannot run, can I?
That’s… that’s a question to Divinity, and it’s rhetorical.
Jarrod got me a bracelet — two bracelets, actually, one’s prayer beads that I turned into a bracelet, one’s a clay bead printed with the words “WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?” on a black elastic band — when we were in the US for an Enneagram bootcamp led by the Suzanne Stabile.
When I got the prayer beads, I initially wanted the set made with clear beads (it made pretty rainbows). I ended up with a set made with black beads (these have glints of light and darkness).
When I got back to my seat, I heard, “Because you need to find your darkness to shine.”
Enneagram Sevens try to live in the light half of their emotions, and avoid the dark half.
I was being told that I needed to live fully, with the dark half.
Then Jarrod bought me “WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?”, because Sevens repress their emotions. It’s a reminder to feel. (He got himself a band for his repressed centre.)
Yesterday, I was in a bookshop, and between two books, chose the one that talked about emotions instead of thoughts. “Big Feelings” by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy instead of “The Not To Do List” by Rolf Dobelli.
Today, I opened up “Forty Days On Being A Seven”, and whaddaya know, today’s Day 13, “Crying My Way Out Of My Head”.
I can’t run, can I? (I don’t want to.)
What am I feeling?
Cold (not a feeling). Scared. Anxious. Worried I won’t finish what I said I would for work, trying to run away from that looming sense of “who do you think you are, saying you’ll finish a book?” (not a feeling?)
I am sad about the way my work life has turned out, incredulous that I’m wearing a sparking stone set into a ring on my left hand, so grateful that life is so much better now than what it used to be…
I’m excited at the prospect of going back to dance, nervous about going to the new location, scared that I’ll get scared.
Self-loathing because I wish I got my head round marriage earlier than I did (because that was just this morning).
Feeling peaceful and unworthy because I’m both holding space and accepting myself while going “I don’t deserve that…” even as I know I do…
It’s emotions with nuance that are underneath, not the easier happy-jumpy when good things happen or angry when something bad happens. These need me to quietly sit and feel and find out what I’m feeling and what I’m feeling at.
When emotions get overwhelming, how do you respond?
Ugh. I sleep. I stonewall. I cry. I get burrito-rolled by Jarrod into my blanket.
I write.
I journal all the thoughts out and somehow I find quiet. Because I believe that things are solved when thoughts are sorted.
I guess… I know that journaling is a way for me to make space to listen to myself. Putting pen to paper is my way of telling myself “I can figure this out” and that brings peace.
…
I respond by listening to myself, and having the faith that things will be okay.
What life experience might be inviting you to get into your heart?
my… marriage… wedding…
I…
I am so scared of realising how much I might be in love with / love Jarrod. Because with love comes loss and grief and pain. (swiping away tears in coffee bean esplanade.)
I intellectualise my relationship with him. I think about us and try to figure it like it’s some sort of puzzle.
But it’s not. A relationship isn’t just a puzzle. It’s feelings.
Logic’s just one half. I am glad to have that half. I know Jarrod’s good for me. That part’s important. Because I don’t always have use the good head that’s on my shoulders.
Emotions are the other half. I don’t know if I know what love is–I don’t know–I don’t allow myself to feel what love is.
I am happy when I see him, I miss him when he’s not near… I’m in the shallow end of the pool because I don’t want to get into the deep end and go in over my head and lose control.
Emotions are outside of control.
But that’s where life is, isn’t it?
You control what you can and let go of the rest.
I can’t keep living in my head. Life’s outside.
💖
Image of light glinting on dark water by wal_172619 from Pixabay.
