This is a letter I probably shouldn’t write because 1) it’s 4:13 am and I need to wake up… about 7:30 am to head out for Simply Adelaide, and 2) I will make my baby worry, when I’m probably just too much in my head. But still, words must come out…
Sayang, I’m okay, just letting my brain do its thing, and I’m probably jsut talking to myself.
Baby,
I’m not doing well. I’m not doing well without you.
I’m sleeping late, sleeping in, spending hours on tiktok, and even though I know I shouldn’t do things, I still do them.
And it’s because you’re not beside me. (completely not your fault)
It makes me wonder if I’m too co-dependent. I’m not even going to wonder if I am, because I am. I have to wonder if I am too much.
I spent so much time living life for other people, I’ve forgotten how to live for me.
Which is probably why we needed these 18 days apart. It would be good for us.
But I’m spiralling. (the tears are quick.)
I miss you and I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my baby to balance myself with, to co-regulate. And instead of regulating myself I’m throwing myself into tiktoks for hours, sleeping late and sleeping in, getting high and hyper with the people I’m around, losing my mind and heart in the process.
Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. There was a person I didn’t like hovering close to me all evening, even with my friends keeping me close. I had to see and then not see, like I’m in 1984 and doing double-think.
Maybe I just miss you, and I haven’t really processed that.
Maybe I miss my work, and I’m feeling guilty I haven’t done them.
Maybe I’ve depleted my finances (it took a while to type this clearly, without going round in metaphor) and I’m feeling the worry and doubt and the increasing need for boundaries and limits.
Maybe it’s all of it, sometimes taking turns, sometimes simultaneously.
I asked Goddess for a life I find interesting. I might need to write a new letter.
I need to change my routines, create new triggers, set new limits. I need to come back to the things that kept me sane and grounded, and maybe be more present in my life.
Oh, I told my friends about my past, and though I’ve come to the point where I know they (the people whose actions led to me being harmed) did the best they could, and I am no longer angry, perhaps I haven’t processed what I feel. Abandoned. Unprotected. Pushed aside for others.
It wasn’t my fault, but I have to deal with the frayed ends of the rope I’ve been holding, the one I’ve been given to build my bridge to walk.
I was abandoned, unprotected, pushed aside. What I felt then was the reaction appropriate to what happened.
But, babygirl, you’re not now. You’re not abandoned, unprotected, pushed aside, unworthy of love now. You don’t have to be. Even if you don’t count your fiancé or your friends, you have you. (me.)
And even when you think you’re doing everything wrong, you’re still loved. You might not even be doing things wrong in the first place too.
What’s the opposite of abandoned, unprotected, pushed aside, unworthy of love?
You belong, you’re safe, you’re wanted, you’re loved, you’re worth the time, effort, space.
You belong with me — you belong to yourself.
You’re safe in your own body, your choices, your life.
You’re wanted — your ideas, your life, your light, your love.
You’re loved, for who you are, just as you are.
You’re worth the time, effort, space — to be considered and celebrated.
You belong. You’re safe, wanted, loved, worth the time, effort space.
You belong. You’re safe now, wanted now, loved now, worth the time, effort, space.
You belong now.
You’re exactly where you need to be. You’re who you need to be. And in yourself you belong.
So the next time someone tries to invade your space or peace of mind, block them. Protect yourself. Shield, ward, or even open your mouth and tell them to move. If you hold your ground, have them banished. Call back your energy, free and clear, and close that door. Cut that cord. Thank them for teaching you to choose yourself, and claim your space.
The next time you’re not taking care of yourself, pause. This is the body that is your temple. Your altar. The home of your soul. Even if temporarily. Feelings are just as important as food. Spirituality is just as important as sleep. You have wings and witchcraft — you’re also very human.
Choose yourself. In every little moment. In every step, in every choice, with every sip of water. You’ve lived life for other people enough.
This life, from this moment on, is for you.
💖
Image of a bed in soft pink light by Interior Lens from Pixabay.
