Disappointed. That was what I was feeling when I cried.
I had so much hope that I could change things. If I just held enough space, if I just explained it in a way she’d understand, if I just kept expanding the container in which I held her thoughts and her feelings and judgements — the part that needed to keep her safe — as well as my own thoughts and feelings…
When I realised that she would never see what I wanted her to see, the hope popped.
Along with it went the desire to hold all that space, and my own feelings had to be faced.
I had hoped for her to change — I had expected it. I was no better in that conversation than she was.
Her heart is somewhere in the right place, she means no harm, and softened when I cried, trying to soothe. She’s messy and complicated and scattered and I can either fight that, or accept her as she is. This is as good as it’s going to get, I know.
I will give myself kudos — usually I’m unable to handle her thoughts and feelings as well as my own — I grown in the ability to choose peace and still try to see what’s going on. It’s like being in debates, and you’ve got to understand the other party’s point well enough and handle what you want to say too, plus the emotions that happen.
So, what now?
To the thing that caused the whole conversation in the first place, I have no idea. Everyone has their story, and the stories aren’t even in the same book. I hope I have not made things worse, and must be there to interfere if the stories come back together.
For me, I need to pay attention to my own expectations. Why I’m doing what I want to do (and that is hard, because I do first, and think later, like right now). I won’t be perfect. I just need to try. I’ve spent a lifetime wondering why, and been cut out for asking, but I guess I need to keep asking, just not to other people. “Why am I doing what I’m doing / what I want to do?”
Second, I need to learn how to let go. The conversation was already going south, and I already said I would try one last time, and my last time wasn’t my last. New things will come up, but if the foundations are not there, if things are not aligned, let it go. I can say, “I can see we’re going nowhere, do you want to let this conversation go? We can agree to disagree.” Maybe just summarise their point of view, and know internally that I don’t agree, but they at least feel heard. “This is what I understand… I don’t see it that way, and that’s okay. Shall we talk about something else?”
Third, Imma have to trust that we show emotions and frustrations and sides to people that we will not show to others, and to give each person their own private bubble. This means I’m going to see things that others won’t see, and I will not be a leak. “Tell everything” once saved me, and it was a really powerful lesson. Now I gotta go the other way. “Private bubble”, “their story”, “it’s not mine to say”. Tap to bubble, I guess.
💖
Image of a bubbletent, a telescope and a solo chair looking out at a sunset in the mountains by u_a402x2va from Pixabay.
