“Learning Conflict” is the theme for Day 7 of Forty Days On Being A Seven. Gideon tells a story of standing up for himself and it not ending well.
And to slowly start seeing how he can “see God’s utter compassion for [his] fear of conflict and rejection”, which sloowly gives him to courage to engage in conflict and the “the possibility of not being liked”.
He then asks two questions, the second of which I’ll need to wiggle around to adjust to my understanding of Divinity…
Do you remember a time you tried to stand up for yourself and it didn’t go well?
(My mind quietly plays “do you remember / the 21st night of September” and cuts it short.)
Is asking for help standing up for yourself? Or going to get something I was accidentally overlooked for/on/(what’s the preposition here? about)?
I remember a time I literally stood up when a group of girls were trying to intimidate me, and when we all realised I was taller than them. We all had an “oh” moment. That was okay. We all backed away.
Ohhh… The time when I had to… the fights with my parents. Whether curfew, or having my own space in my room… when I wanted to change the arrangements because I was uncomfortable about something on a holiday and was called crazy because the logic didn’t match a parent’s idea of what should be happening.
Is that standing up for myself?
It’s when something has gone wrong, something is unfair, and then you have to hold your sense of what’s right and push back.
Either I’ve never felt things were unfair (highly unlikely), or I’ve just never pushed back (more likely).
I remember the ones that do work… An ex yelling at me and so I yelled back. He stopped immediately.
(still thinking… when did I feel like things were unfair?
Ed Sheeran’s How Would You Feel (Paen) starts playing, “how would you feel / if I told you i loved you / it’s just something that I want to do / taking my time, spending my life / falling deeper in love with you”. I start thinking of Jarrod.
The last time we fought/had a disagreement when I felt things were a bit unfair, I was a bit toxic and wanted to leave to go home. He noticed, asked questions, and we sat down and sobbed/talked our way out of the issue, figuring things out.
So that ended well…
Teddy Swims’ cover of Shania Twain’s You’re Still The One starts playing, fittingly.)
I give up with this question.
How does it feel knowing that God stands with you in the injustice you’ve experienced in your life?
(My youtube playlist decided to go bridal, with Shane Filan’s Beautiful In White happening. The dude from… Westlife? “Beautiful In White” is also the perfume I got from Bath and Body Works. So prettyy!
Ok focus!)
I’m gonna swap God with Goddess. And she’s probably standing with an arrow drawn in her bow.
(Kelly Clarkson’s Because Of You.)
Thing is… I believe I’m blessed. Even when life has been weird and I’ve taken strange detours and I’m not the most financially wealthy person. I still believe I’m blessed.
And life hasn’t been unfair.
So in the sense that Goddess / Divinity is with me? Yeah.
(Taylor Swift’s Enchanted.)
Does it help me engage in conflict and be comfortable with the idea that I’m disliked?
Yeah.
I might not want to engage in conflict much. But I do. I could do better than to be toxic, granted, and have a few more conflict resolution tools.
I could be better with recognising I’m in conflict. And dealing with that in a way that’s both relaxed and alert, instead of frozen and afraid.
And as for not being liked? I’m good.
I have my people. I will find more of my people. And I’ve got me. And Jarrod. And Goddess/Divinity.
🩷🌷🌧️
Image of archery arrows by Ciara Houghton from Pixabay.
