Ohhh I’m not going to like journaling questions, am I? Because Day 6 of Forty Days On Being A Seven asks “What ways do you avoid being with yourself?” and “When was the last time you enjoyed the fullness of who you are–both in your light and in your shadows?”
He talks about how he spent a full day with himself, the author Gideon, and noticed that it’s better to be in yourself (where God dwells and holds court, a Bible reference) instead of being elsewhere.
*deep breath*
What ways do you avoid being with yourself?
This is easy. Tiktok. Running around. Being with people (not because I want to be with people, but because it’s easier or more fun than being alone). Trying to help people (again, when it’s for same reason).
Running away from the work that I need to do, and sometimes even want to do, because… because I don’t want to…
Hm. [This is going to be a detour.]
If I get good at real estate… I go out, talk to people, I’m out networking, setting up viewings, negotiating, attenting appointments, answering questions, solving problems… I get to earn a massive income (because you really can, being a realtor)… Then… Then… I won’t care for it. I don’t care for it. It doesn’t matter to me… I mean, you don’t have to care for the work you do to do good work, right? But if that’s true then I can just go get a job. A regular, soul-sucking, clock-in-and-out job. And I left that. I left that to go do what I want to do and I… end up joining something I don’t care for. I like the people. I like the social aspect of it. I liked… I needed it when I needed people to pull me out of my funk, when I was in a bad place. And now… I don’t… care. And I don’t want to go out and mess people’s lives because I don’t care.
I don’t like it when people mess up other people because they didn’t care enough, and don’t pay attention enough in the first place.
If you don’t care… and you don’t want to do a good enough job in the first place… don’t start. Don’t create something that you will not want to, or cannot, fully commit to.
So that’s my problem with being a realtor. I’m struggling to see where I care. Where I want to care. Because somewhere it matters that I want to do a good job.
Flip it then.
If I write. Something inside shifts. Gets into focus. Okay. I become a writer. Wake up, put words down, have thoughts explored and judged and spelled out. Exposed to the public for acceptance, agreement, disagreement, flaws highlighted. I go out and talk to people and see if they have ideas they just need publishing. See if we can work together. I spent my days in rooms or cafes or places they are comfortable in. Working through my brain and theirs and the public’s.
[End detour.]
I like being with myself. I have no problems being my own company. I can read, journal, take a walk, listen to music. It’s when I don’t need to be anything or anyone or anywhere.
I don’t have an inner critic the way people write about having an inner critic. Or maybe I’ve never paid enough attention to it to give it a voice.
It’s just a general vague feeling of “grrrrr” and that’s about it… A resistance to something. There is no “wow what you’re writing here is a waste of time and absolutely self-centred”, because it’s just a blog.
I’m being with myself when I blog.
When was the last time you enjoyed the fullness of who you are–both your light and your shadows?
Em. Now?
Writing on my blog, messing up the lyrics to a song that’s playing on the radio (Avril Lavigne’s Keep Holding On, which I’m realising I finding familiar because of Glee.)
I’m home alone, in Jarrod’s place. Clean from a shower and full from cake. There’s water and bubble tea and I’m sitting with my legs up on his chair at his table typing.
It’s when I’m dancing. Not always at West Coast Swing, because I’m either learning something, executing a partnered move, or trying to figure my feet. When I’m just bopping along in between. Or moving my arms around, right now, like I’m in a music video.
As for the shadows, that’s also when I’m here. Or my nose in my journal. Or eyes closed and sobbing. When I go to wherever it is that I know Goddess can be found. There, I sit, I just be. Sometimes talking, sometimes listening, sometimes just looking out side by side.
I remember listening to music one time, when I was upset, and head dancing while I was in the train. It was me-time.
And I go out on me-dates.
I got good at it when I was recovering from my bad year. And I’m getting used to recognising my need for having my own time while I’m with Jarrod these days.
I think that’s the point of work, of having passions and hobbies and things that light up your soul in different ways.
It’s like… we’re flames of different colours, facets that sparkle with different lights, tapestries of coloured threads, artwork of colour splashes… I’m trying to find the metaphor that fits the feeling…
We’re brilliant when we make life brilliant. Sparkle when we turn on different lights. Do faceted gemstones sparkle brighter when there are more lights shining on it?
(My brain’s going “to have a sturdy table you need to have many legs supporting it”…)
Okay, that’s enough.
Ohhh today’s theme was “Befrending Myself”. Okay 🙂
🩷🌷🌧️
Image of a painting of a gemstone by Martina Bulková from Pixabay.
